Brain Stew

The day that never came

2011-10-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Right. So I have been out of action for long enough to not remember what its like to write a 300 word article which offends at least half of the people who read it. A lot of shit has gone down since the last time I wrote, Obama became the first black president, Osama on the other hand, got his shit handed to him. India was terrorized more times than I care to count. The whole Anna Hazare thing led to a 10 million man march online (of course). One open letter by a racist, PMS-ing, insufficiently laid woman almost caused a war on the internet. But the top of my list has to be when all the chicks on Facebook suddenly decided to put an end to the question 'which is the dumber sex?' once and for all by putting up their bra colors as their status messages. Good work ladies, all of us are totally aware of breast cancer now - along with your color preferences.

There was also a time when I briefly developed a certain level of respect of Shahrukh Khan for his candid interviews or perhaps because there was no new movie coming out to piss me off. All that changed 6 months ago when he decided that the only way to create hype about a movie is by shoving it down people's throats. But enough jokes have been cracked about Ra.One and whatever I have to say has probably been said before. Much like this movie.

What has really pissed me off enough to write again is the Metallica's lack of fuck-giving for India (Or fans in general). Now, I am one of the 25000 odd people staring blankly at screens just to confirm the inevitable cancellation of the Metallica concert. Most of the people who weren't there are still wondering - what went wrong? And the media is feeding them the usual stereotypical Delhi/Haryana rowdy crowd routine. Its DNA's fault. Simple as that. And partly Metallica's to not even showing up and having the fucking decency to apologize for the crowd - a good 60 percent of which has been at the venue for more than 6 hours forced to buy overpriced cigarettes (which were banned according to the ticket) and shitty Fasttrax burgers and cola - All this with not a single stall selling bottled water.

Metallica - Seen here not giving a fuck.

There was more security for Omar Abdullah's 2 children present at the venue than the whole jam-packed ground. And that is not an exaggeration. So you take a ground full of enthusiastic people, some of whom have been virtually waiting their whole life for an opportunity to see their favorite band perform, you make them wait with no real announcements except for 'take two steps back while we magically transform the cardboard strength barricade into adamantium'. Piss them off even more by threatening them that there'll be no concert on the next day either and then expect the crowd to be chilled out by the end of it?

I would love to find out one country where a crowd of 15000 metal fans (not counting the 10000 who confused the gig for a Mika night/Anna Hazare protests/just another chance for some good old groping) are treated with such disdain with no angry response from the crowd. Not many care for their money back. We've all downloaded more than Rs 2750 worth of Metallica music alone anyway. But how fucking ironical it is for a Bangalore company to completely fuck up, not apologize about fucking up and Delhi crowd being blamed at the end of day for feeling wronged. The only thing I blame the Delhi crowd for is for being the tamest group of Metal fans in the history of the world (Fans are supposed to be bashing each other up in mosh pits when happy; one can only imagine the extent of damage when we're enraged). Lets face it, Delhi has more than its share of wannabes and intellectually-challenged-testosterone-laden-'Being human T shirt'-wearing-misogynists, but they weren't the crowd at the concert.

Lets end this with a joke then,

Q: What do you call thousands of people with nothing to do on a Friday night except for updating their Facebook statuses about how Metallica fans have nothing to do?

A: Cunts

PS - The news reports are fucking biased - the angry 'mob' was no more than 25 people out of the 25000 present at the ground. A mere 0.1 percent. Youtube it.

PPS - Apologies to all the ladies who were eve-teased/misbehaved with/groped at the venue. You have all the reasons to talk trash about Delhi men, I am defending a different category.

PPPS - Yes, I will go to a Metallica concert if I get a chance again.

Cinematic Perfection

2009-12-06T06:19:00.000-08:00

I guess I have been rather unfair in just publishing my hate-filled opinions towards shit I come across and never actually appreciating the beauty there is in this world.

So without further ado, I request the 2010 Academy Awards (and every other award ceremony around the world) to be cancelled ‘cause I got your winner right here:

Here are some of the salient features of this carnage:

Nazis
Zombies
Nazi-Zombies
20 thousand gallons of blood
Self Amputation
Chainsaws
Multiple modes of usage of the Human intestines
Decapitation
Overdose of general goriness.

Holy shit! All this movie needs is some lesbians and aliens to make it perfect. But let’s not get into the imperfections. In a world where kick-ass creatures like vampires and werewolves have been reduced to shit-faced romantic douchebags who talk about their feelings and are entangled in love triangles, this movie is a beacon of hope.

The movie starts out with this chick who is being chased by some badass zombie who gets the better of her, then it all shifts to a bunch of ‘happy go lucky’ medical students who keep talking about shit for what seems like hours and you think you're in the wrong movie because already there's way too much dialogue/plot building or whatever you call it. That's where the genius of the director comes in: he made it like this on purpose so you'll have time to adjust your face before it's rocked off. Almost immediately after that there's a sex scene which sucks because there's a fat guy in it and you have to state loudly that you think it's "gay" or something along those lines so nobody will question your sexuality.

They eventually get visited by some dude with a badass stubble; before he even says anything, you automatically know he listens to Pantera. The lead actors, on the other hand, look like they drink Bacardi Breezers and go shopping for purses. Anyway, the Pantera guy warns them about zombies and surprisingly they make fun of him.

Then it's onto the zombies-

If we all work together, anything is possible. A message for kids by the visionary director

Yes it's been done, the ultimate super villains have been created. Not only are the bad guys blood-thirsty undead evil veterans from the 2nd world war. The zombies in this movie are the super evolution of the walking dead. Forget the wuss-burger zombies in "28 Days Later" and other shitty zombie movies that move slower than the Delhi traffic and eventually die on their own, these zombies are the real deal.

You think I was kidding about the intestines?

First of all, these zombies are fast. Imagine the fastest Olympic runner you've ever seen, now double that speed and pretend the zombies aren't Kenyan.That's how fast these zombies move, which sucks if you're a human because you get your balls stomped on by an army of undead ball stompers if you trip and then they eat you. And second these are military trained experts in hand to hand combat and use of all weapons.

Our hero fighting off a zombie while testing the tensile strength of the zombie intestine.

And to make shit worse, these are NAZI ZOMBIES so you know that they mean business, the director does not waste any time on storytelling or the film school inspired ‘symbolism’ or ‘character driven plots’. All the zombie actors were awesome and deserve best supporting actor awards for their inspired acting work. Think you can get that kind of attitude with ordinary extras? Yeah right. These are thespians; they're pros at what they do. Just sit back and admire their art.

Artwork: Daksh C Kalia, Idea: Yours truly

I believe this is the best shit to come out ever since 'Army of Darkness' and will create movie history. Now you’re probably thinking, “if this movie is so awesome, then why haven’t I heard of it? LOL”

The answer is simple, A. Your head is in your ass. And B. It’s a German movie. But you don’t even need the subtitles since violence is worth a thousand words. Watch it or die.

I hope you die of swine flu

2009-09-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I last posted and I am not gonna be redundant by telling you how fucking busy I keep doing all the awesome shit that I do. But then, I can't keep my eyes shut to all the bullshit that's happening around as well. I missed on writing a lot of shit because it seems as if it has become a fad to diss anything popular (implying that I am a fucking revolutionary). And please stop telling the world through your damn social networking profiles about the awesome 2 hour afternoon nap you had or how much you love sandwiches, nobody cares! How fucking self absorbed you have to be to believe that someone would be remotely interested in your mundane life. And if a guy who calls himself the humble god calls you self absorbed, then you’re a real egotistical asshole.

Coming to Swine Flu, it really is the shittiest illness to have become popular since SARS a few years ago. If you have spent more than a few seconds worrying about swine flu, you are an idiot. That's because once you look up all the symptoms, mortality rate and the treatment- you'll know it's no different from the common flu (which kicks ass because it kills way more people).

This is diagram of the symptoms of swine and can be easily used as a diagram for symptoms of the regular old badass flu. Notice any differences, Dipshit?

The problem is not swine flu, it is the people whining and moaning about its existence. Every second of airtime and every word ever written about swine flu is bullshit (except for this article because I am an exception to every rule there is). 800 people died of SARS and we got to see the media prattle on about it for months. And swine flu's probably killed a 1000 worldwide and nobody seems to shut up about it. Dogs kill upwards of 50,000 people annually (source) and Michael Vick went to jail instead of being given a humanitarian award.

Even though the thought of closed schools and colleges for no reason makes me want to respect the media for turning the nation into hypochondriac idiots but there's already a vaccine for it and it works almost from since the beginning, but you don't even need that if you have a kickass immune system like I do. But then, you don't.

The only thing worse I can think of than Swine Flu is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). It is a disorder which causes you to have a deficit of attention. Which implies that you have a finite supply of attention and there's a quantity to have which is 'just right'. Which means that someday some marketing douchebag will come up with “Attention Abundance Disorder” and you jackasses would be blaming everything from your low grades, failed relationships and generally miserable life on AAD and buy drugs to cure that shit too? (This is a privilege enjoyed by people with ADD currently)

The symptoms of ADD are so vague that it makes my blog look like a thesis report. There's no objective criteria for evaluating patients and no quantitative way to measure the extent of the illness or to evaluate the progress of the 'patient' but as long as the multi-million dollar drug industry based on curing this ailment is flourishing, who gives a shit right?

Lets not just stop at ADD, you can also become a ‘victim’ and blame everything on external forces while being lazy and undisciplined. Suppose you have problems getting laid, it's not becuase you are fat and ugly and stink like a pig during its periods - you just 'suffer' from a Pussy Deficit Disorder. It’s chronic and there’s nothing you can do about it. There, feel better now? I am sure you do.

On a sidenote, I hate vegetarians. Not all of them . Only the ones who try and make us normal people feel bad about how terrible we are because we eat meat. These sanctimonious sons of bitches ignore every animal that’s harmed or killed by virtue of their lifestyle in general (even if they are vegetarians). For instance, beef tallow is found in virtually every product on the planet from paints, gelatin, chocolates and even the concrete roads you walk on. Being pious as long as it’s convenient is an easy thing to do.

See you in another year, idiots!

Drinking advice from a teetotaller

2008-09-27T04:57:00.000-07:00

.

I know it might seem hypocritical, but the following is going to be best drinking advice you're ever gonna get in your lives so read carefully. Here are a few 'observations' that you might want to keep in mind while going to the bar the next time around

1. Beer is manliness.

This one's actually quite simple and well known. In simple words - If drinks were people, then beer would be Chuck Norris. The stronger beer a person prefers the manlier he is (or in the case of women - the harder the beer, the 'bolder' she is). Children in sub-Saharan Africa region are living a more meaningful life than you if you prefer a fruit punch over a chilled strong beer. I can go on and on about how beer stands for everything masculine in this world, but then it would become redundant or I might end my dry spree.

Chebyshev's real theorem.

2. Whiskey is a close second.

Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink should be treated as holy water. Develop your taste for this divine liquid and see how it improves your non-existent life! It might be hard for you sissy boys at first so add some water/soda/cola to begin with and slowly increase the alcohol to other liquid ratio. 50% whiskey concentration is acceptable in most cultures, make it 70 just to be on the safer side.

Whiskey: reminding us of the good life.

3. Real men don't take drinks with little umbrellas on top.

Write this one down on a small piece of paper and keep in under your pillow or inside your wallet for the rest of your life. If the name of the drink is fancy or girly (notable examples include 'Sex on the Beach', 'Screw me Blue' etc) then it's NOT a drink worth buying. Real men drink real drinks (Beer, Whiskey, Rum, Brandy etc). Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it. Also, frozen drinks should be banned. You're buying liquor, not smoothies. (This doesn't apply if you are a member of NAMBLA or any related organisation.)

The best way to say: ''I'm a raging homosexual''

4. Breezer is NOT booze.

It's expensive, it looks fancy and it might seem cool to have an seemingly alcoholic beverage in your hands while you are dancing away to your favourite Boyzone track, but for the last time- Breezer is not real booze anymore than Nepal is a real country! It's just a colddrink sold in a liquor bottle to satisfy the egos of whoever drinks it while keeping intact their fragile wit. Whenever a Breezer is sold a little part of me dies away and I am forced to say a prayer for the future of mankind as a species.

5. Watch the Talk.

Okay so you are 6 whiskeys down and suddenly the world looks like a happy place. But that doesn't mean that you start discussing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory or your sexual escapades with your best friend in public(you're not fooling anyone with the whole 'we were experimenting' bullshit.). Use that mouth for drinking (or puking if the situation so requires) and you'll do just fine which takes me to my next point.

6. Nobody's impressed by how much you can drink, asshole!

Seriously now, you've got more chance of fixing the helium leak in the CERN atomic collider's tunnel all by yourself than impressing a worthwhile girl by guzzling down gallons of beer in front of her. It's not even worth trying, because failing would lead to disaster and ruin any chance you might have in scoring with a chick. Think of it this way - If a thick wallet means you're a babe magnet, puke is the biggest woman repellent in the world.

Way to go, ASSHOLE!

7. Wines are double edged.

Let's face it, it's more than cool to know a few names and tastes of expensive wines, who knows when you might need it. It can save you a lot of money and it can stop you from drinking grape flavored horse-pee. But, rely on the experts if you're not sure because if you celebrate your anniversary with a grape-vinegar mixture for wine, trust me- it'll be your last!

There are a lot more tips like refraining from submitting your will to alcohol if you somehow become incharge of the music at the party (let's face it - you don't know shit about music and no-one cares for your silly regional songs that only you understand.) or treating the bartenders with respect(you don't them to pee in your drink now, do you?), but I guess this is enough guidance for one post!

PS - If you think I've pussied down the blog then go fuck yourself.

PS 2 - Yeah I take 4 months to write 7 drinking tips, eat me!

How to be KEWL

2008-05-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I’ve kind of been out of action for a while. Which translates into ‘I’ve got a life outside of the internet’ or maybe ‘I couldn’t think of anything to write about’. Anyway, after more than 2 months of laziness I’m back to bring some joy in your otherwise boring life.

Being kewl isn’t easy. It requires constant rigour and dedication. But worry not, I’ve compiled a list a simple steps which will make you the kewlest dewd in your block (as long as your neighbours don’t read this page).

The Attire

‘Clothes maketh the man.’ Yes this is a sexist quote. Sue me. Anyway, this is the first step on the path to be kewl. Go and see all the latest movies and buy whatever Saif Ali Khan or Akshay Kumar wore in their flicks. If those shirts fit their toned bodies perfectly, it should fit your amputated lump of mass too! The poncho looked good on Rani Mukherji? Well it should have no problems in covering your over-sized manly frame either! Don’t worry about the stares when you wear your favourite orange cargos. The people are just jealous. Added accessories like a fake Rolex or Prada
shades are encouraged too. Just make sure it’s night when you put the glares on.

The Accent

This one is a bit tough, but you got to work hard to be a kewl dewd. Just keep watching Hollywood flicks even if you can’t make out a word of it. Learn to speak like them even if it means you have to make extra special efforts and roll your tongue like a retard while speaking. It looks cool! Trust me. If the words sound completely unnatural and stupid while coming out of that shit-hole you call your mouth, you are successful. Try working in a call center for a couple of months if you really want to be good at it.

The Lingo

Now that you know how to speak, you should know WHAT to speak too. Go watch all the latest Bollywood crap again and this time learn the dialogues. Repeat all the funny popular catchphrases until you make them so cheap that people start puking the next time they see the original thing on TV. Shitty MTV programs also help this cause. Just remember- hit movie dialogues, no matter how old or stupid, never go out of fashion. For example-‘’ Bade bade shehero mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai’’ and ‘‘Yeh haath mujhe de de thakur.’’

Spell everything wrong while chatting on the internet (or everywhere) even if it technically doesn’t save you time (as is the common rationale behind using improper English). Common examples – ‘krazy’ ‘skewl’ etc

The Swagger

This is slightly tricky. Swagger doesn’t naturally come to everyone. But to be a kewl dewd- the swagger is of utmost importance. Just try walking in middle of the road as if you own the world and you don’t care if the car behind you crushes your spinal cord and leaves you paralysed for the rest of your sexless life.

The Entertainment

This is a very important criterion. Your friends are stupid and shallow (just like you), so they’ll judge you not by what kind of person you are, but by your entertainment preferences. So pretend to like ‘englis’ music even when you can’t make the heads and tails of it. Learn some popular band names and keep telling everyone that you are their biggest fan. Buy posters, T-shirts and other merchandise of some band from the sixties and you’ll do just fine. Remember- if it’s popular, it’s good. Pretend to like all critics' favourites like Mother India and Khamosh Pani (Nobody cares if you understand the socio-political messages or statements, hell no-one gives a flying fuck if you don’t know what socio-political means).

And yes- pretend to like cartoons. Even if you are 43 and work in 4X4’’ cubicle in some call center and your biggest aspiration in life is to somehow be in the top 5 cardboard salesmen of the floor and get some extra incentives, just use shitty phrases like ‘I’m a child at heart’ because girls might find it cute. Also ,watch MTV all the time, even though they might repeat the same Roadies' episode 18 times a week. Make the contestants celebrities and discuss their strategies and plans every fucking second. That means you never run out of conversation, ever.

Political Views

Kewl people have no political views. If you know about politics, you aren't kewl.

Hobbies

Pretend to like any sport other than Cricket. Because cricket is for the masses and even though you are nothing more than just another face in the crowd- you want to feel ‘special’. Learning some footballers’ names should get you through.

Write bad poetry. And then write more bad poetry. Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Never write about anything happy and cheerful.
2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.

It's easy, here's a sample.:

Fire of misery in death
sultry lament of a dark essence
nihilistic angel, acrid suffering
anguish in darkness my lover.

notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be special. special people type in lower case all the fucking time.

The Internet

Did you go like ‘’Bt Mynk, I alreddy did al dat n i stil dnt hv ne frnds, LOL’’ after reading the paras above? Well, social networking is your solution. Just throw away the semblance of a normal social life you have now and sit on the internet 24 hours a day. Make profiles on Orkut and Facebook and other websites and try to search to internet for witty and catchy stuff (since we’ve already established that your IQ ranges somewhere between a shoelace and an Orangutan). Famous quotes by Einstein or Dave Chappelle should work. Use all the character space allowed to write about how you don’t like to brag about yourself and don’t forget to add that you like ‘having fun’ and ‘hanging out’ (because that makes you unique) and write as much as you can in the 'about me' section of your profile since everyone on the fucking internet wants to know more about you.

Once the profile is complete, Start sending friend requests to every girl on the internet. Add Brazilian or European girls even if you don’t understand one word of their language and you don’t know horse shit about their culture. Join stupid communites or online groups with over 1 lakh members and you'll find more imbeciles and social rejects like yourself. Add them as friends and voila! You have more people in your friendlist now!

Congrats! You are a KEWL DEWD now. Go and waste your life and do this country a favour- get a vasectomy.

The word kewl was invented by jobless chatters trying to showcase their ‘creativity’ and gain some self-worth by spelling it phonetically (Yes, that’s how they pronounce it). Quit using it.

I hope they invent a cure for DUMB!

2008-04-22T02:30:00.001-07:00

.

This is not one of my usual rants that I make every other month or so. This post is a disclaimer.

I am removing the 'comment' section in this page. Because I have realised that most people who come to this page aren't the sharpest tools in the box (to say the least).

Any comment/opinion/bullshit is still welcome but on my personal E-Mail. No more polluting this page.

Now the disclaimer- If you choose to email me- you give me the right to post the full content of the mail and your E-mail address on my blog. I also get to publicly humiliate you and beat your children if I get the time. XD

Movies that boil my blood.

2008-02-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

.

Ever watched a movie so shitty that you felt like kicking a kid in the nuts just to vent the frustration out? On top of that just when you start talking about how you could have utilised that time by doing some research on Global Warming or going through my blog, you realise everyone's busy drooling about the 'spectacle' they just witnessed and are gearing up to kiss the director's ass.

Well then you are at the right place.

Here's a list of shitty movies that all the morons love

Mother India

Now, I have seen like 20 minutes of this crap and I was choking to death before I somehow managed the strength to turn the TV off. The thing I hate the most is the losers who haven't even seen this film go like - ''Hey, they don't make films like Mother India anymore''. Of course not you assholes and there's a good reason too! Its no wonder that India didn't develop too much at that time period. The people were so damn stupid.

Rating:
Story - Depressing
Music - Depressing
Acting - Depressing
Direction - Wait for it ... DEPRESSING

Remarks - There wasn't any hottie in the industry before Helen.

Pretty Woman

Now, this is another one of the movies that everyone likes just for the sake of it. Its one of the most absurd plots I have ever seen (and believe me I have seen many). Its about some millionaire who hires this hooker and ends up falling in love with her. It would've been bearable if it were left to this but they had to add some bullshit about the millionaire learning moral lessons from her(along with the sex lessons) and changing his business(and losing a lot of money in the process). A slut with a heart of gold! Now that's original! There's even a scene when Jason Alexander(George Costanza from Seinfeld) calls her a hooker and makes her an offer out of his generosity and she goes ''Ooohh I feel so cheap''. Yes you are cheap you fucking whore. Go suck on some dick.

Rating:
Story - Yawn
Acting - Sluts can't act
Music - Bearable

Remarks - For a movie which has a hooker as lead - there isn't enough sex. (A bit of violence would've been okay too)

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

One of the biggest hits of Bollywood. 3 and a half hours of bullshit packed with the obnoxious song and dance routine. And its not even just this movie that I hate, its all the shitty movies inspired by this nonsense that gets on my nerves. 'HAHK was very influential and inspired young filmmakers such as Aditya Chopra and Karan Johar' (wikipedia)

Do I need to explain further? No rating for this disaster. You suck.

Golmaal(2006)

Now I know this movie isn't big enough to fit in this elite pack but the sheer fact that people now refer to the 1979 classic as the 'old golmaal' is a downright insult. The most cliched plot with the most cliched characters with some not-so-witty dialogue and we have one of the biggest hits of 2006. I haven't even seen half of this movie but the amount of shit they spewed was enough to make me puke. And they are even making a sequel to this travesty. Do yourself a favour - Don't watch it.

Rating:
Story - Same old bullshit in the same old package

Acting - Three out of four actors playing college passouts are over 30. So yeah - there was some acting.

Music - I still haven't figured why the title song was a hit. Its a collection of shitty songs and shittier remixes.

Remarks - Ajay Devgan is better playing real characters like in Zakhm or Gangajal. You are not 35 anymore Ajay.

Jab We Met

The thing I hate most about this movie is that nobody wants to acknowledge that this is most cliched story in the history of bollywood. Made popular by teenage bubble gum swallowing drama queens- this is a live example of how something so insanely stupid can be made so god damn popular. Fuck the pop-culture. And don't you start typing ''but maynk, d screenplay n da muzik ws gud, lol''. First of all, lets make one thing clear - You can't tell screenplay(or direction or any other pseudo technical term) from your own asshole, asshole! Don't flatter yourself.And as far as the music goes - if you like it so much - go download! Or turn the radio on, it only plays that bullshit you love so much.

Rating:
Story - New bottle- old shit.

Acting - Don't give me that crap about Kareena's 'inspired performance' or the on-screen chemistry between the two leads. Its just a glorified term for overacting. Shahid was still okay.

Music - Already mentioned.

Remarks - Kareena is an evil condescending bitch who should be shot dead.

Your music sucks.

2008-02-09T04:29:00.000-08:00

Yes. You read it right. All the shit you hear on the radio or your precious I-Pod is bullshit. Now, I am the last person on this planet to judge a person by the music he/she listens to, but you gotta have a bullshit detector there somewhere.

So, if your playlist consists any of the following artists, please get off this page.

Akon
Himesh
BSB
Britney
Rihana
Any song with the word 'pyar' or 'ishq'
50 Cent
Anyone with the prefix 'young' or 'little'
Ne-yo or whatever that bastard calls himself

There are many more, but I hope you get the idea ..

Now that you know what not to listen to, I guess its my duty to tell you what shit you should actually listen to.

DNOAX - They See(Desi) Revolution

Now, this is a collection of some talented desi rappers from all over the country. You gotta pay to download this shit so download the samples first and then pay for it if you like it. If you don't like it - you suck.

Click here to download samples.

Now this is for you cheapskates who want free music.

Srikanth - Breaking the silence

Click here to download the entire album (30 MB) [rapidshare link]

AG AKA Sylver - whole collection

Click here for the soundclick page.

Ragged Skull - Lyricist Confidante

Click here (rapidshare link)

I think I should clarify that these artists have not told me to put their links up here and they probably won't even see this shit. And this is all rap/hip hop, so if you ain't into this shit then don't bother.

PS - I am going to update this page with more such underground artists. Keep checking if you like this shit.

Kill the cupid

2008-02-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

.

Now, if you are an ugly bitch with low self esteem and no real friends who relies on movies like Jab We Met and 'occasions' like Valentine's Day to get some hope for love in your pathetic existence that you call your life, then stop reading right now.

I hate Valentine's Day. I hate everything about this bloody month starting from rose day to slap day to whatever ... So while all the 'happy' people will be out hugging, kissing and exchanging heart shaped balloons on the V day, I'd be sitting at home killing aliens or destroying civilisations on my PC.

Why do you call it Valentine's Day anyway? You morons should call it the Archies day! Just some bullshit propagated by the media to make you buy a pile of shit for someone who supposedly love. I know you wanna get to make out with your chick and you gotta give her gifts for that shit but you can do it any friggin' day of the year you morons. I once saw this kewl dewd buying all this crap for some stupid bitch and she got all wet and went ''Ooooooohhh!! How romantic'' and then they started making out in front of everyone. I'd have kicked his ass but I was too busy taping it.

And 'hopeless romantics' should be killed. Not just killed, but mutilated. They are not hopelessly romantic they are just hopeless and yet somehow I find them everywhere I look. It’s because of those dickheads why Jab We Met grossed whatever it did at the box office.

Now, I don't hate Valentine's because no girl would ever go out with me (though that doesn't help) But the damn advertising and publicity! I'd rather hang around with the Shiv Sainiks to beat the shit out of those mushy idiots at malls and parks. Also, I hate cupids, I see their pictures everywhere smiling down on me - judging me with those small cold eyes. It keeps me up at times, the more I think about it - the more I realise its not the cupids I hate, its you shitheads who buy all this crap. Die, motherfuckers.

PS - If you think that I can't take criticism then I think you are ugly.

'Nuff said.

Bullshit Review - Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

.

Before I begin with the mindblowing review of the mind-numbingly dull movie here's a quick word- I am NOT doing the best of 2007 like every other person on this god forsaken website. I mean seriously, apart from 'Bathroom Singer' there was nothing good about 2007.

So, Taare Zameen Par is a movie about a dyslexic child with huge teeth who can't do shit right(literally as well as figuratively). The movie proves that Aamir Khan is a paedophile as most of the shots revolve around the child bathing or taking a crap. The camera usually pans on and around the gigantic teeth of the kid and makes you realize how Steven Spielberg got the idea for the T-rex's jaw in Jurassic Park.

The first half of the movie does a great job in putting you to sleep or make good use of the time if you happen to be with your gay partner. Just when you think that all is lost- In walks Aamir Khan, an out of work pornstar who's stooped low enough to become a substitute teacher. Keeping in tone of the movie- Aamir Khan is also a retard and has erectile dysfunction(as revealed in a subtle way by the cameraman).

The second half of the movie shows how Aamir Khan and the kid help each other out with their respective problems. I fell asleep three times during the film and still didn't miss too much. The end of the movie is quite heart warming as Aamir Khan paints a Titanic style portrait of the boy and they make raw animal love in public(Your nearby theatres might edit this part). The movie is groundbreaking as it is filled with gay and paedophilia innuendos.

There's a guest appearance by Micheal Jackson who plays the fairy godmother to the child as the kid's father(played by Anil Ambani or his body double) is too busy in kissing the elder brother's ass. Rumour has it that MJ didn't ask for any monetary compensation for the part, instead he chose to stay on the sets with the children along with Aamir after the pack-ups.

There are (or seem to be) more than 34 songs in the film and they all help in the film's purpose of putting you to sleep. So, if any of you idiots haven't managed to see this travesty as yet - DON'T. Also, this film is a great reminder on why you all should listen to me and support piracy.

Update - This post was neither funny nor enlightening, but guess what, I don't care what you think. The movie was okay and is a tad overrated. And I hate the fact that it's become the 'in thing' to love this movie.

Children going violent? Blame entertainment!

2007-12-26T01:15:00.000-08:00

.

So once again I am a bit late on the news but hey- I have a life!

Now after watching 17 million repeat telecasts of the not-so-special reports about the school shootout in Gurgaon I realised that the media is fucking biased. They are blaming changing lifestyle, music and video games for this increase in aggression in children. They pay some loser psychologists or psychiatrists[I don't know the difference :D] to say some bullshit about spending time with children and loving them to prevent such incidents. What's worse is- some morons even buy this bullshit. Children don't need more love! They need stricter parents. They need some real ass whooping when they go out of line, and most importantly-They need the fucking loaded gun to be kept away from their fucking reach!!

Why the fuck are they blaming the video games anyway? Does anyone really believe that playing games like GTA and Counterstrike will make the kids go on a shooting spree?Or when they listen to some punkass rockband singing about nihilism they wanna end the world? Or watching Tom Cruise blow up some shit make them wanna do the same? I'll tell you what invokes violence in me. When I see the same sob-story being repeated on the same sets by the same actors on different channels or when I hear morons walking the streets singing dard-e-disco or some Himesh shit.

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
But can it load a gun for you and cock it too?
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and i'll get sued

-Eminem

Doesn't make sense to you? Try reading it slowly.

Quit blaming things around you and own up to your mistakes. Kids are going out of hands because you are too much of a pussy to give 'em a beatdown. Think of it this way-the kids learn a valuable lesson and you get that workout that you don't have the time for! If you still can't- send them to me. I'll be happy to beat your children.

PS- Someone kill this guy already.

He's so fucking ugly and that's reason enough.Though, I find hangings too boring. Maybe they can lynch him in front of a huge crowd and feed his balls to crows or Himesh. Yeah that would rock. If you don't know who this ass is, don't bother. I got some shit email from some overly concerned friend to sign some shit petition to stop this asshole's hanging. But someone who looks this ugly shouldn't even be tried.

Support Piracy

2007-11-22T22:19:00.000-08:00

First of all - for those complaining about lack of updates - GET A LIFE

Now, If you are among the millions who wait in huge lines for the big Diwali releases, here's an idea: You can watch all the movies playing at that multiplex (and a few more) at the fraction of the cost. If the title didn't give it away, here's a hint -Its round and has a hole in the middle. Didn't get it? It starts with a D and ends with a VD. Still doesn't ring a bell? DVD you moron! Anyway, as I was saying, why would you want to waste 150 bucks to watch a movie that you can download for free? And don't start with that 'the cinema hall ambiance' and shit. I have never watched a movie in a cinema hall without a cell phone ringing or some moron who has already watched that movie telling some dumb asshole the whole plot. Not to mention the losers who clap/whistle/orgasm whenever the 'hero' enters or an item song plays and don't even get me started on the (overpriced) stale pop-corn and the flat colas.

Why stop with movies? Everything from music , PC games, books, softwares and everything under the sun is available in the grey market. You just have to get off your lazy asses and find it. Look at it this way - Do you really care about some teenage band getting even richer than they are because you want to be a loyal fan (read: moron)? Or do you really want to give that greedy bitch J.K. Rowling more money than she already has? The list is endless as are their bank accounts. Below is a comparison between YOUR income and some rich people.

Click to enlarge.

(Real figures might vary.)

And don't ever buy the crap about millions losing their jobs and shit 'cause you choose to save a few bucks. If they give a shit, why don't they give the jobless people money from their own pockets? They have more money than they can ever use anyway. Why would you wanna worry about their lives anyway, do they really care if you live or die? How about the fact that the people who actually do the whole piracy thing work much harder than the ones losing their jobs? Don't they deserve something?

Still not convinced? There's only one logical explaination: You have a lot of money and no brains. Do yourself a favour - send the money to me!

PS - I know you don't give a shit but still click here to read the blog of the person who made 90% of the graph above. Just for the record - It was I, who came up with the idea.

G.K.

2007-10-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

Question: What's better than a sandwich made of garlic flavoured bread with 2 slices of chicken salami, 2 slices of cheese, some mayo, tomatoes, onions topped with oregano seasoning served with ketchup at 3 am?

click on the image to see the details :p

Answer: A sandwich made of garlic flavoured bread with 4 slices of chicken salami, 2 slices of cheese, some mayo, tomatoes, onions topped with oregano seasoning served with ketchup at 3 am.

PS: If this message turns one vegetarian into a non-vegetarian, its purpose will be served.

Be your fuckin' self

2007-10-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
And then play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say how high
Ya brain-dead
Ya gotta fuckin' bullet in ya head

-RATM

So once again I saw enough of TV to make a rant about the things bothering me. This one advertisement with some preteen asswipe acting all cool in front of Shahrukh Khan and John Abraham is somehow the flavour of the season. I ask you this : will you tell those celebrities to get aside while you enjoy the uber-kewl Gen-Y cola? I know the moron who does it on the TV would be down on his knees rubbing his nose in their shoes begging for a 2 minute movie role before you realize the damage the sweetened carbonated water is doing to your system. And I am not gonna educate you about how Pepsi or Coke is bad for you, we have many forwarded E-mails for that shit, my point is why do you need some fake-ass 'idol' to tell you what's good for you? And why would you hold a cola can with two fingers like you've just acquired some advanced form of Polio?

Why don't you have a personality of your own? Wake up dipshits. Just because some prepubescent dimwit drinks a cola with two fingers doesn't mean you will become cool by aping him. Get a life! Just 'cause some kid in your class listens to certain genre of music does not mean that you will have to like the same shit to be more socially acceptable. And please, for God's sake, stop buying some stupid colourful T-shirts with some band's picture just 'cause you have heard their name.You walk around all day with an Iron Maiden shirt wishing some cool kid will walk up and say, "Hey man, you like the Maiden? Sweet dude. You're cool." And you feel accepted. And you have no other way to make friends because you're a social retard and require something as superficial and cliche as musical preference to break the ice. Then you go home and download the latest Himesh track and grove all night long. Have your own opinions for crying out loud! Just 'cause I just implied that Himesh is a dumbass doesn't mean that you stop listening to his shit. If you liked it before you read this, why shouldn't you like it after?

Why should you fall prey to cultural memes? Why does your fashion sense change with every new Saif Ali Khan movie? Trust me, if you can't go to one movie without changing your opinion about the clothes to wear then do yourself a favour: STAY THE FUCK HOME!

This just in: Dhoni has changed his hairstyle! Go run to the nearest saloon and get it done exactly like him right now, lest your neighbour should get it done before you!

Now I am way too pissed to write more. So here's a word from the sponsors - EAT SHIT

Faggot

2007-10-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

So, I was walking around minding my own business when I came across a couple of dumbasses discussing Bollywood. Worse still, they were discussing how Arjun Rampal is a bad actor and doesn't deserve a place in the film industry. It took me all of 2 seconds to take out my Ninja-sword and cut their stupid heads off.

Okay. So I kinda made the last part up. But still I didn't agree with them on that point. Calling Arjun Rampal just a 'bad-actor' is like calling Himmesshh Reshhammmiyyyaa (seriously don't know the spelling - don't care too google) a bad singer. Its just not enough! Bad actors are people like Sunil Shetty and Aftab Shivdasani and they'd rather get hung by their balls over a raging volcano than be compared to Arjun Rampal. He's right up there with the likes of Tusshar Kapoor and Chunkey Pandey.

Here's a small list of 5 of the most forgettable movies of our era (with the story-line in case you missed any)

Pyar Ishq Aur Mohabbat

Three men, one woman. Constant confusion. Tempers flaring, emotions flowing like old men with diarrhea on an overdose of laxatives! And for some reason I am in love with the name of the movie.

Dil Hai Tumahara

Two sisters in love with the same guy. Put in an evil step-mother and some corrupt politician and we have the most original plot ever! The best part - no matter what happens, Rampal ends up with one girl or the other.

Dil Ka Rishta

Rich dude falls for a married chick. Husband dies, chick has amnesia and falls for our dude! Damn! Is that touching or what? Most original story in the history of movies :D

Elaan

An international extortionist, 5 people decide to take him down due to reasons beyond my understanding. Conspiracy in Italy. But our hero prevails in the end! Poor action, no story line and no sense whatsoever! Perfect movie for a first date scenario.

I See You

Guy falls for a ghost who is actually in a comma. Gets her out of the comma and they live happily ever after! Some say its inspired by 'Just Like Heaven'. But that's just rumors which were started by the director of Just Like Heaven to get some attention.

Damn! All that shit took some research. Anyways, after watching all these movies I went ahead to interview the great man himself(I was getting bored. so ....)

Here's the transcript:

Me: Thank you for taking out time for talking with-

AR: Dude are you kidding? Don't you know how utterly jobless I am?

Me: Oh sorry. So everyone wants to know- Why are you so fucking lame?

AR:*giggles*

Me: Answer me bitch!

AR: Er.. no comment.

Me: Some critics have labeled you a ''fucking moron''. What do you say to that?

AR: There are no grounds for this accusation. I maintain that I'm not a fucking-

Me: What about the list of movies mentioned above?

AR: Oh shit! I guess you are right.

Me: Why the fuck did you fuck up a perfectly good movie like Don?

AR : What are you talking about? Don was a fantastic movie!

Me: It was good until you showed up and fucked it all up.

AR: Yeah! I guess a drunken monkey with an overdose of Valium can act better than me.

Me: What about you and Rohit Bal?

AR: Man I swear to God we're just friends!

Me: Good friends?

AR: You know. Just a couple of guys who like showering together.

Me: Man you suck.

AR: ha ha-

Me: No dude seriously. You suck.

AR: *sobbing*You could've said it with a smile.

Me: I'm bored of talking to you bitch. Go away.

AR: It was a pleasure. *offers a handshake* We should do it again sometime.

Me: *Ignoring the hand* How about we don't?

AR: Err.. as you wish. :(

I hate ...

2007-10-01T01:08:00.000-07:00

Hi. I am 20. I am ugly and girls don't talk to me. I hate good looking people. They are mean. I hate losers who wear utterly low baggy jeans and Jockey straps just to look cool. As if spending 20 extra bucks on underwear would alter their loser DNA. I hate people who wear sunglasses in the dark. I hate people who don't get my humour.They don't deserve to live.

I hate people who love movies like DDLJ. I hate Bollywood movies which are shameless rip-offs of Hollywood movies. I hate Bollywood music. All the songs sound the same to me. I hate Himesh Reshamiya. I have no life. I always have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Nobody calls me. Even if somebody tried I wouldn't answer 'cause my phone is fucked up most of the time. I live in Delhi. I hate it here 'cause its too fucking hot. The public transport is fucked and the petrol rates are too high.

I hated my college. Everybody there was an asshole. The teachers were ignorant and the students were too smart for my liking. I hated my school too. Almost everybody there was an asshole as well.I hated my school teachers. They gave excessive homework. I still hate my school principle. I wish I could kill him but I am afraid of the law.I hate law. Both as a subject and the ones I have to adhere to. I hate all school/college reunions/parties. All I do there is sit in the corner and bitch about everything that's wrong with my life.

I hate overly religious people. They are losers. I hate Jazzy B. I also hate Mika but I hate Jazzy B more. His voice sounds as if someone's put telephone booth up his ass. I hate overly sentimental people. People who like to hug every chance they get. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. He looks gay. I hate Enrique Iglesias. He looks and sounds gay. I hate noisy babies. For some reason they love me. For this reason, I hate them even more.

I hate people who sing loudly when they walk on the streets. Get a life you fucking losers you don't own the world. I hate people who play loud music on the car stereo which they don't even understand just to look cool. I hope they all die. I hate people who use big words just to sound smart. I ht ppl hu typ lyk dis even on a full keyboard(you aren't paying for each letter assholes).I hate people with bad grammar - especially the ones who say ''I didn't knew''. I hate people who wear clothes on the basis of the visibility of the brand name.I hate people who think that they are superior to me in any way whatsoever.

I hate Indian Television. I hate Ekta Kapoor. I hate feminists. They talk too much. I hate animal lovers. If you love animals then you better take them to your house and adopt them 'cause your kids are gonna hate you too. I hate rich people. I hate everyone who owns a Play-station 3 or an X-box 360. I hate my barber. He makes me look uglier. I think he hates me too.I hate all the people who hate me. Which means I hate just about everyone.. you too... especially you. I hate Microsoft. I don't know why. But I just do.

Thank you for reading. I hope you burn in hell.

T.I.M.E. well utilized

2007-09-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

What better time to write my first ever blog than the day after India won the T-20 world cup (or as some 'smart' people call it - the hit and giggle 'world championship'). The difference between a world cup and a championship? I guess I'll never know, but I do know that we, as a nation, think that we are on the top of the cricketing world. Which, sadly, consists of just 12 countries-4 of which are pushovers at best. Compare that to football and we are happy with a 145 ranking (ouch!)

But who am I to question the great achievements of India in sports in the recent months? Hockey, tennis, football and now the only sport actually watched by people - CRICKET!

And what's with the BCCI offering 3 million USD to the team as a reward?! NO, I am not bitching about how that money could have been used in making roads,schools and hospitals. But why would they offer the prize money in US Dollars? Do they not have calculators to convert that amount in rupees? Or is it just 'cause of the way the dollar's been devalued over the past few years? I guess 12 crore rupees would not sound half as cool as 3 million dollars! Anyways, my first blog isn't going to be about the Indian cricket team's triumph. As it is, there are over 70 million cricket 'experts' in the country who remember the batting averages and strike-rates of even the number 11 batsman but can't spell the name of Pullela Gopichand or Karnam Malleshwari.

So, what did I learn from the Indian victory?

Ans: That I should have spent the past 2 weeks studying rather than watching cricket matches and making fun of the Hindi commentators.

PS-Didn't our Hockey Team just win the Asia Cup? How much cash did they get again?
Rs. 1 lakh each plus Rs. 1000 for each goal scored and minus Rs. 2000 for each goal conceded(divided by the playing 16 of-course!)

Piyush Chawla got Rs. 80 lakh + per match fee just for warming the bench.